My Big, Gigantic Drum Kit

Despite not being dog owners or having a sense of how dog breeds are evaluated beyond what we’ve learned from Best in Show, Raina and I watch a bunch of televised dog shows. Chalk it up to dog envy from apartment dwellers. Here are my uninformed, possibly stupid, reactions to the first night of this year’s Westminster Kennel Club dog show.

• Early on, one of the announcers mentioned that the Pekingese was a favorite to win the whole competition, and the Pekingese did, in fact, win the Toy category. The novelty’s worn off, Pekingese. You’re a weird little caterpillar dog, and I don’t get why the judges like you so much. Also, why this particular Pekingese? What makes him better than, not only all of the other weird little caterpillar Pekingeses, but the adorably monkey-faced Affenpinscher, or the Silky Terrier, who, through undoubtedly shady manipulations on the part of the Silky Terrier lobby, is in the toy, rather than terrier, category?  I was rooting for this year’s entrant in particular, because he looks like Iggy Pop circa 1970. 
  
  But more to the point, the Pekingese is only arguably a dog. Can we get some DNA testing on this?
  
  
• The German Shepherd and Dalmatian in the Herding and Non-Sporting groups, respectively?  Yawn. I’ll admit a bias towards the medium-small and weird (Pekingese aside) or furry and friendly-looking, but these two are boring picks by any standard.
  
  If we have to go with “stately” over “adorable” in Non-Sporting, why not the newly-represented Xoloitzcuintli, who looks like a bronze sculpture brought to life and given a funny little toupee?  Or the other newbie breed, the scrappy-looking, six-toed Norwegian Lundehund? It was bred to hunt puffins. That’s crazy. Do people even eat puffins?  At least it wasn’t a damn poodle. Stupid poodles always walking away with these competitions. 
  
  As for the Herding, I think Raina’s justifiably always on Team Corgi (Pembroke over Cardigan), but I bet she’d agree that just about anything would be more interesting than the German Shepherd, whom she characterizes as sneaky-looking, lurking about like he just stole someone’s wallet. I’m pretty fond of the Old English Sheepdog, if only because it looks like the dog most likely to abruptly start talking to you in a Muppet voice.

• We didn’t see all of the hound category, but the Wirehaired Dachshund is a-ok with me; I relate to dogs who are low to the ground. Although I was slightly surprised to learn that the very tall Irish Wolfhound came by its name honestly: they will fucking fight wolves. Every Irish Wolfhound I’ve met has been super mellow, so it makes for a compelling contrast.

In short, as an amateur dog-show watcher, I demand that Westminster Kennel Club up the ante tonight.  More weirdness and cuteness, please.

One more point, actually. If “sporting” weren’t always a misnomer (wouldn’t “hunting” be more accurate?), it certainly is now. How many Golden Retrievers are really hunting dogs these days? I propose that ‘sporting’ be expanded to include breeds who surf, skateboard, and fetch at a high level of competence.